THIS IS MOTHERHOOD.

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hey guys welcome back to my channel

today is another vlog I’ve seriously

been enjoying blogging so much it’s

already getting so natural to me today’s

vlog is sponsored by home chef we’re

actually gonna make a oven-ready meal

for dinner today we have a lot of things

I have to do um I want to give you guys

a little update on just random stuff and

we actually do not have a nanny that is

regular anymore I know you guys you’re

probably like oh my god Haley what now

what now but our scheduling just like

did not work out she was the best Dani I

loved her so much she was like super

legit

and I seriously trusted the girls with

her but it didn’t work out because she

could only work during the morning and

during the morning that’s when scarlet

has her nap and I didn’t want to like

just hire a nanny just to watch my kids

sleep during like their nap times so

yeah it didn’t work out and I’m back to

square one but it’s okay because we’re

moving anyways and we are hopefully

moving to Japan next year just for a

couple months so hiring someone like

regularly wouldn’t be like the why is

this decision right now and that’s just

how my life is like honestly I don’t

know when I try and do something in this

phase of life it just it’s almost like

God’s trying to tell me that I need to

just watch my kids all the time and suck

it up I don’t know what it is but

anyways we actually if you have a

separate one for like date night so

every Tuesday another girl comes it

sounds like we have a lot of help but we

really just have one person that comes

from 4 to 7 once a week which is like a

really nice break

but yeah so we’re back to doing

everything ourselves we have some help

from my mom here and there so that is

like I’m really thankful for that also

I’m wearing bike shorts again because

seriously guys gotta get some bike

shorts like I know some people hate them

but I am obsessed

what is that noise don’t what are you

doing and legit sounds like a bulldozer

he’s getting hyped why is the tert oh my

god okay no what is the turf all wet so

do not spray my new vlog camera I had to

get a new one on Amazon and this is my

third one because I keep breaking them /

the second one actually got stolen out

of our car in Charleston I like a

baseball game so bitter but it’s okay

whatever

stop a beanstalk what is that is that a

bugger seed and bean sky a bean sock

like Jack and the Beanstalk so if you

plant it is it gonna grow tall yeah and

about what’s daddy’s name Annabelle

still calls dog James after how long

done 2 months you guys oh it’s just

singular Jane Jane and then well why do

you call dad do chickens his name is

daddu all right all right

what’s Scarlett’s name amber she doesn’t

call her scarlet she calls her amber why

is your leg like that it looks weird

Douglas I told them I was telling them

in the beginning of the vlog today that

we don’t have a nanny anymore because

the scheduling didn’t work out and you

basically work like for three days a

week like 12-hour days yeah who’s that

accurate when I take them to my parents

yeah yeah and he doesn’t sleep it’s not

even 12 hour days though what is that

you take them to your parents house it’s

like 16 17 hour days I sit there and I

work and then I go the other day I

didn’t eat lunch I didn’t eat breakfast

well that’s very healthy and have coffee

that’s not healthy I just worked all the

way until 4:00 I woke up and then work

before maybe you should go see like a

chiropractor got a therapist we just

realized that trying to work alongside

our kids it’s just such a fail like

every single time so we would rather be

like super focused like it’s not ideal

but it’s also really stressful to try

and do anything around your kid so we

would just rather be really focused and

like I do my stuff for a couple days he

does his stuff and I begged my mom for

help begged my mom to come to her I love

to beg her she’s always like we expected

you to come you can’t handle it

it is later sometimes the minivan door

to someone close and Scarlett how to rap

my sister and go with the flow anyways

um so right now we’re gonna go take

pictures of the girls I was gonna take

some with them but it’s just – it’s just

too much so anyways I changed back into

my mom clothes and we’re actually gonna

go to like a nearby ride what for is it

a red one first your bread would grow

redwood grove and I thought that would

be cute we brought like Doug’s grandma’s

little tea sets that no well it’s all

little tea sets like a legit tea set and

we’re gonna have them take we’re gonna

have them play tea together I mean skull

is just gonna want break everything but

okay Doug’s taking pictures of the girls

they look so cute I’ll link everything

but they’re wearing outfits from chasing

fireflies and they have oh my god she

just picked up like a giant twig they

have the cutest stuff ever and I don’t

know why I’m like late to the toddler

headband game because I died

they’re so cute it’s called a bean you

know you can’t have the twigs anyways

we’re wrapping up but it’s so pretty

here makes me miss Santa Cruz

okay we’re Doug’s from if you don’t know

Oh Doug and I were just talking about

the fact that or I was just talking

about the fact that I married someone is

outdoor adverse myself first I’m just

not an adventurous eater when it comes

to this yeah like it’s not that you know

I actually grew up doing well both of us

grew up doing very outdoorsy stuff like

camping hiking I went to the ocean like

every single weekend swam like very deep

Doug do not but I used to fishing yeah

does like things with karzai outdoors

well I used to play like war with my

little brother and we do a bunch of like

little guy stuff you know yeah but I

don’t know and our olden days we just

listen I’m not I’m not like let’s go

find the nearest mountain to go climb

yeah like I’m not into nobody wouldn’t

do it

I actually am really excited for scarlet

to get a little bit bigger so we can go

camping because that is so fun like all

of my really fun memories growing up

we’re camping yeah and you’ll look for

stars an excuse to get one of those

backpacks that like your toddler sits in

I saw one when we went to the San Diego

Zoo and it looks so legit because the

guy just looks so comfy and the kid was

just like we were both walking down

there and there’s a sign that says bee

swarm how are like oh great they’re all

like baby

so it’s dinner time and like I said in

the beginning of the vlog this vlog is

sponsored by home chef I’ve been working

with them for I think like a year and a

half and I’m excited because they

actually have this new thing called

fresh and easy and honestly I might like

it better than like the regular things

that you have to cook just because in

this phase of my life with like two tiny

kids it is very stressful sometimes and

cooking at the end of the day is like

the last thing I want to do so they have

oven ready meals and if you don’t know

at home chef is it’s basically a meal

delivery service that you can do any

kind of frequency you want you can have

it every week once a month you can skip

a month you can cancel at any time and

there’s no like hidden fees or anything

like that

and they send everything to your

doorstep everything is like very fresh

like I said they have like ice packs and

everything so like I said they have this

new line called it fresh and easy and

this is what we’re having tonight it’s

called a pretzel crusted pork chop

something that I wouldn’t necessarily

want to spend the time making on like a

really busy day like today I’d rather

just pop something in the oven and if

you’ve never tried a meal delivery

service or home chef in general this is

the perfect time to start and I would

actually urge you to try one of their

oven ready meals just because you don’t

have to do any chopping or any like

cooking at all you literally just put

everything in the oven it’s amazing and

I actually

have an $80 off coat is Haley 80 and

that gives you $80 off your first four

orders and the discount makes it super

easy to try home chef over the course of

several weeks and see how it can make

mealtime easier for you

okay Google start a timer for 20 minutes

guys so we just got back from our trip

and I don’t know I’m feeling like a lot

more open with my whole blogging

experience like I said in one of my last

vlogs so as I said in my crazy word

vomit vlog I think it was like the last

vlog or I don’t know when I’m putting

this up but I basically talked about the

fact that I feel really guilty because

animal the only way she can take her nap

is by driving to sleep and I know a lot

of people talk about like mom guilt and

the fact that it’s hard you know having

mom guilt and everyone kind of says it

it’s kind of like a buzzword in the

whole motherhood just community but you

guys I feel like sometimes I have it to

the extreme and I actually talk about

this with my mom with Doug with my

sister pretty much my whole family

thinks I am seriously crazy I mean I

love my family we’re all very vocal

people and we kind of just like tell it

how it is it’s what I am the way I am so

they all love to tell me that like I

take things to a Naumann extreme but I

like work myself up over certain

scenarios that like shouldn’t be the

case and I want us to talk about this in

today’s vlog I’ve talked about before

like wanting another child and you know

I don’t feel like I’m done with two kids

but at some times you guys I really just

like don’t know if I can handle the mom

guilt and this is something that I dealt

with ever since Annabelle was born I was

like super guilty over the fact that I

couldn’t exclusively breastfeed um and I

was a guilty about like leaving her even

for short periods of time I really have

only been on that one date night that I

vlog about the other day and then with

Scarlett’s I had when she was born I had

just like consuming guilt over Annabelle

and the fact that like I you know it

honestly makes me want to cry just

thinking about it but I couldn’t give

like all my attention like I used to

because I had to like breastfeed

intented this newborn baby

okay scarlet and I honestly could barely

cope with it some days like it would

make me feel like so depressed about it

so lately I’ve been

feeling a lot of mom guilt with like the

napping situation and I mean as I told

you guys i legit would go to great

lengths to get her to sleep I would

drive in the car sometimes for 30 40

minutes which is seriously psycho but

like I would feel so bad and today is

one of those days where I feel so bad

and I think it’s just me like Doug is

fine like he doesn’t feel guilt about

anything I mean that’s not true

he feels guilt about some things like in

this scenario he doesn’t so today as you

guys saw on the vlog I wasn’t gonna

stress than app she did not go to a park

today um she we could like to call

Annabelle like our mountain child like

the only way she’ll actually get tired

if she legit scales a mountain like

she’s got so much energy and she’s

definitely not like a plastid child if

that comes off that way like it is not

she is pretty like she’s wild she’s

rambunctious and I think that’s a normal

thing for toddlers but I hear you guys

tell me that your toddler’s just some of

them just go to sleep and you stay at

home all day like that’s absolutely not

gonna happen for Annabelle like she has

to legit go to the park and like run

around the park for like two and a half

hours to get tired like it’s crazy so

she just like can’t wind down on her own

and I feel a lot of guilt because

towards the end of the day there’s like

a witching hour and that’s what you guys

told me about it sounds so terrible but

like she was like screaming when we’re

coming home and she was obviously

overtired and I feel a lot of guilt

about the fact that you know I can’t put

her to sleep and it’s just like freaking

and consuming you guys like just the

amount of pressure I put on myself to

like make everybody happy in my life

like I put a lot of pressure on myself

to make my toddler not have you know

random meltdown because I know it’s my

fault that she’s tired and I didn’t like

teach for that I don’t know how to like

let go like my sister and I are complete

opposites

my sister is 10 years older if you don’t

know she has three kids they’re all

pretty young they’re like eight and

younger and my sister sent me a picture

the other day of her child falling

asleep in a Costco cart like I could

never have my child fall asleep in a car

I would feel like guilt like an egg in

my heart like as crazy as it sounds I

would feel

so bad I’m not judging her because she

knows I’m not but like I personally

would feel so much guilt if I didn’t

give my child a proper nap so they just

like fell asleep like when people show

me pictures this is gonna make me sound

crazy but whatever we are going there

cuz that’s just where my channels going

now

and I feel good about it so when people

send me pictures or I see pictures

online of like children falling asleep

in weird places like in their food at

the dinner table

other people laugh and I kind of laugh

like it’s funny I get it but at the same

time if that happened to me I would feel

so guilty about the fact that my child

isn’t getting like proper sleep for

their development like why are they

falling asleep in a Costco cart like I

don’t know I always put my gosh Doug’s

making the minivan go up and I’m not

saying I’m supermom like I have my

issues obviously I let it consume me and

it affects me emotionally the babies

pressing the button on the car anyways

so I don’t know how to like switch that

off and like you know not let things

guess me because I feel like Parenthood

for me is not gonna be the best

experience if I don’t like let go a

little bit I put so much pressure on

myself to like make everybody in good

moods like my husband and my baby and my

toddler my sister doesn’t have this

issue at all she like she loves her kids

all over the world she you know takes

them to whatever activities she wants

she’s got no remorse for a lot of things

because she’s got three kids and they’re

all listening she’s got to do what she’s

got to do you know and she’s a happier

parent for it I think she tells me like

it is and she texts me the other day

that like Hayley kids cry kids whine

like you got to get over it you got to

like stop bearing the burden of like

your toddler’s emotions cuz you’re gonna

go crazy and I know what she’s saying

but at the same time like I literally

today I felt so bad for Annabelle and

she’s like having a meltdown it’s almost

like I was getting like just worked up

about it so anyways I wanted to share

this like crazy miss that is like my

insides I don’t know why I want to share

this with you guys but I feel like you

know I don’t want to leave my kids I

feel so bad when they don’t get a nap

it’s literally like all-consuming to me

and I feel like I

failed today because I didn’t get my

toddler and nap I know you guys that’s

crazy and you know I don’t want to

separate myself from them I am just so

like I’m just like too attached to

motherhood

like I don’t know how else to explain it

and I know I sound crazy but I this is

me being my serious like vulnerable

state and telling you guys like what

I’ve been dealing with for 10 months and

as you can imagine me being this way

likes just super attached to how they’re

reacting to things the transition from

one to do kids was legit brutal like I

had PTSD prove it I’m not getting

because I you know felt so much remorse

and I almost felt like I almost like

project you know emotions onto Annabelle

which is not right like I know it’s not

so I just always felt so bad you know

when I couldn’t pick her up or I

couldn’t do things for her and I still

feel that way and scarlet sorry you know

almost eleven months old so I’m not sure

like what I can do I know some of you

guys are gonna be like go to a therapist

and I actually did text like I forget

what that brand is called but I did text

some kind of a hotline like six months

ago and I was like dude I cannot deal

with this guilt like I feel so guilty

and yeah so the mom guilt is like

another level like people talk about it

but for me it’s like I I don’t know I

get so worked up about the dumbest stuff

that other people don’t so of motherhood

is crazy and nobody like I have no one

to talk about this with that’s why I’m

talking to a wall in my camera right now

I have nobody I can only talk about like

this to my mom and she’s literally had

kids you know 27 years ago or whatever

so last child me and she thinks I’m

crazy she doesn’t remember and she’s

like this is why I didn’t have more than

two kids like this is why my kids are 10

years barks it’s freaking hard and

that’s my mom says she’s real too and I

text my sister and she parents like

totally different like she’s not as

crazy as me so I don’t know

and then everybody else that I know has

like infant so totally different than

like the toddler phase they have no idea

I have no one but Doug and he’s tired of

it you guys so I’m talking to you and

talking to this wall because I don’t

know I just feel like venting I feels

like I’m in a therapy session with

myself so anyways that is it I’m gonna

turn this off before I say any other

crazy stuff okay you guys it’s all done

and it looks so bomb and smells good

alright it looks good and everybody has

some even the babies mm-hmm

don’t you dare not this new Cameron tell

you guys is literally so hard trying to

put her to sleep these days like I think

she doesn’t have an app that’s like

crying I feel like the last hour of the

day like just hysteria I’m so stressful

oh she literally cries about everything

she like bumps the wall and she like has

a tantrum you know I like posting on

some attachment you know parenting forum

and they tell me that like could see

people telling me like don’t be so hard

on yourself some days and he adopt some

days they don’t you know it’s not that

big of a deal but she needs them every

single day she what now

croup was just crying she’s won every

single day or else she can’t even cope

but she came to function it’s so

stressful on the marriage like low-key

but not okay I feel like no one talks

about any of this like what what no she

has no reason to cry but she’s got

started to

what happened one moment – what’s wrong

it’s wrong you just want my vlog camera

I mean she says I might cry today

just watch me and you’ll find out anyway

it’s so stressful

like I just try to put her sleep she

okay she’s alright she like cried

forever she only wanted dog and it’s

really hard because like for the last 10

months

actually before Scarlett was born I did

everything I mean I breastfed her asleep

you know I breastfed her to sleep I was

like there through the thick of it you

know I also I’m hiding in the bathroom

because this girl – crying – she near

Danville cry and this house is dying so

anyways I have to say her in the

bathroom I’m the dirtiest for her

because I don’t really um so before song

was born I was literally there like

frantic oh I’m late with her to sleep we

like coast live just like straight up

attachment parenting to it – II and

that’s just like what I did it felt

natural to me but then after Scott was

born it’s like I couldn’t do that at all

anymore it was like cut it off cold

turkey like very rough transition like

four months and anyways done had to do

it all now because I had to pressing the

baby to sleep you know I can’t do

everything can’t and I’m like I could

not do it everything for what what what

he puts her to sleep at night he

sometimes drives her to sleep

he’s the one that consoles her because

he’s in charge of sleep now and I can’t

even like I have to just literally just

sit my helpless because she doesn’t want

my help like she can only really be

consumed by Doug now because I’m

literally always

so it’s like really stressful and like a

fan of the night during this phase of

life right now we’re literally like

listen you don’t even need milk it’s

just pouring um we’re just so exhausted

like mentally drained from it all that

we just I don’t want to clean I don’t

wanna I don’t even want to watch TV it’s

so sad but anyways I don’t know I just

want to like share that with you guys

because I just it’s so hard and you feel

very isolated like sometimes as a mom

because you think well as other people

like are there kids tantruming at the

end of the day yeah I really just want

to like go to sleep and not talk to

anybody for like a couple hours you know

so anyways that is raw motherhood right

there keep trying to keep trying to pull

my word and be like super vulnerable

even though it’s like very difficult

all right you guys this is my skincare I

know right guys all right this is my

dolly beam

scarlet can you give me a moment this is

my skincare so coconut oil first first I

boil clubs with coconut oil and then I

use glam glow I call this the t.j.maxx

it’s not like life-changing but it was

like five dollars moves on sale and then

I felt the rush was a double repair and

then this is the eyelash serum new lash

that’s me and my lashes gross so much

I’ll link everything below but if this

is what I do and then for my teeth

people have to give I to have veneers

and I seriously I thank you for

seriously saying that because they’re

not please see they’re not perfect at

all

my dentist when I was younger just

shaped all my teeth to be the same size

so they’re like tiny little teeth

whatever comes but I use but what is it

Colgate optic white Baden fighter and

then closest for mouthwash and I also

use blue whitening toothpaste oh my god

this is seriously a hot mess you guys

this is my life writer um teeth picks

cuz they’re my favorites and that is

pretty much it

oh yeah I also use for skin care oh dear

Lord I don’t use this every day but this

is what is this this is a Dermalogica

phyto and nature firming serum and it

seriously is amazing and I gotta get

this they’re like burgers

so every single night

before I put her to sleep I prep my bed

because it’s basically like the time

that I get to work from usually go to

sleep at like 8:00 to like 8 to 11 feet

11:30 easy goal depends on the night I

prep my workstation because that’s the

phase of life that I’m in and I’m just

embracing it instead of complaining but

yeah I get all messy cars ready I get

all the stuff that I have to do ready

make sure all my electronics are charged

like my laptop my phone and that is what

happened breast feed her to sleep work

I’ll show you

but anyways work wall I am eating her to

sleep and that’s just what has to happen

right now in my life

I am in my pajamas aka an ex ex ex al

man’s t-shirt and if you’re probably

like that’s weird you haven’t lived if

you’ve never gone to sleep in an XXL

men’s t-shirt

anyways so right now I’m about to stress

eat some cookies where can I put this

aha

I made lots dangerous Wow I’m gonna get

a lot of flack for this log wienie you

can’t have a nice naughty baby um I made

let me move this face I made cookies on

how cute a little pumpkin plate um

they’re not pumpkin they’re chocolate

chip cookies cuz pumpkin cookies babe

the only kind of either chocolate chip

or chocolate chip peanut butter that’s

mom um so yeah I’m gonna eat like three

of these today I’ve already had two

today seriously

okay I thought I had a blog I honestly

think I might wake up Doug because I

think he fell asleep when pudding I know

he’s coming out he just said who fell

asleep

he’s a lie

dude I got the hatch light which like

everyone loves I don’t think it’s really

worth it

I told you I can return it or that you

know I’m just – I can put my hand over

it or something no this light what does

it do

okay you can you can like you can like

set a timer on it it’s not like that I’m

returning it I like it

leave it cooking so what is the

half-light okay so you can set timers

people love it there’s like 3000 reviews

okay you can set a timer on it so you

can have like a schedule so it’s like

wake up the lights green Burnham oh boy

lavender essential oil there’s birds

playing you do that then when it’s when

it’s like a nap time – light can go from

green you’re getting what you give no my

claim goes that’s my own I get three cuz

I’m stress-eating but he stresses – look

at the baby says one flew me she just

took a big bunny did you hear that

she has five teeth in the front listen

you’re not to be eating cookies that’s

very naughty can he get me a cup of milk

because I’m not even try cookies then

you can’t eat that this is a terrible

walk dog she already was near the knives

in the vlog she already almost closed

her hand in a thing and I was getting a

cookie and she won’t give it up but I’m

not gonna let her eat it don’t worry

people I was already cold there’s no

comments

the you guys for watching

she’s now eating blueberries so to copy

she thought that was sour things are

watching should grab the cookie again

press the like button if you like it

also share this vlog I mean it’s not

very shareable because like you know

it’s just like who else would

but you should share it because know

there might be people that you know that

want to see something real what what

you’re no help you ask somebody sure

yeah I never asked people to share and I

really don’t think I’ll be doing as many

like searchable content and it’s very

hard to grow vlog Channel you know

unless you’re doing something big garlic

can stand on her own oh she says can I.

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